We have already established that Clear Expectations are the foundation of a healthy marriage, parenting, or working relationship. They allow both parties to be on an even playing field and they are required in order for true communication to happen. The better we get at expressing our expectations the less we deal with those nasty assumptions that so often disrupt healthy relationships. (You know the ones like, “You saw the sink was full of dirty dishes… I just assumed you would go ahead and clean them!!”)
I have found that though Clear Expectations help create clarity and unity, they do not necessarily lead to efficiency or effectiveness. In order for expected behaviors and attitudes to move to accepted results there must be a system of Regular Evaluation that takes place. This is something that is quite obvious to most business people. Most of my friends who work in the secular, professional world take things like daily briefings and weekly staff meetings as standard operating procedure. It seems, however, that many churches still operate on a system of “shared trust” rather than regular evaluation. The thinking must go somewhat like this, “Since we all love God and want what is best for His Kingdom, surely people will work in the way I think they should, in the time frame I hope they will, with the effort and professionalism that the job deserves.” A quick look at the state of the American church will show that this just is not the case.
As I have heard countless times, you must inspect what you expect. I don’t believe people fail to meet expectations because they don’t love God as much as they should, or love their job, or love their spouse, or their children. They fail to meet expectations because they never inspect and evaluate their own lives, because they were never taught that they should. Our entire school system teaches people to perform up to the level of evaluation of their superiors. It is the extremely rare case that you find people who live up to an internal standard of expectations. That is partly true because in order to live that way you have to unlearn most of what society blasts into you from birth.
How do we change this pattern? We teach people what it looks like to regularly evaluate their lives, one step at a time. I know a church is struggling with this issue when I hear things like, “We cannot seem to get enough volunteers… and the ones we have are so unreliable!” My first thought when I hear that is, “What kind of evaluation methods do you use for your staff members on a weekly basis?” What I will often find is… none. There is a meeting where volunteer needs are discussed, but not a follow-up where the volunteer process is evaluated. There are no 3/6/12-month employee reviews. If you ask the average staff or volunteer “How are you doing in your job?” they would not really know how to answer the question.
When there is a culture of expectation and evaluation at the top of an organization, then it is natural for that culture to flow down to each level of the organization. Often times people believe that regular evaluation makes people feel like they are being micro managed or that you do not trust them to carry out their job. Though that can be true it is more often the case that regular evaluations can help cement positive behavior, provide a foundation for risk taking, and quickly deal with vision shifts.
I assume that most people working for me are going to do a good job. That is why I hired them (or recruited them if they are volunteers). If I did not think they could do the job I would not have asked them to do it. Therefore, I fully expect most of my evaluations to be good, reinforcing positive behavior. That reinforcement then becomes a new foundation upon which the employee can reach even higher to attain larger goals. Given time and consistency these foundations can lead to proper risk taking (which is something I love to see in people in my organization/church). Take my son, Jared, for example. He is an active, adventurous, risk-taking human being; in other words he is a “boy”. He has almost no fear when he is on the ground. He will jump, fall, fly, roll, to no end on the ground. If I take him one foot off the ground and set him on the couch he is able to take even greater risks as he can now perform greater leaps and daring acts. If I take him ten feet off the ground on a tree branch, however, he will cling to me with all his might. That is simply because ground-level to tree-level is not a regularly evaluated and reinforced position. Instead of encouraging him to take more risks I am actually killing any risk-taking desires he may have. When we regularly evaluate people and reinforce positive behavior, we provide them with an ever-higher foundation upon which they can excel. When we fail to regularly evaluate we will often find that they have either become stagnant (clinging to the tree trunk afraid to fall), or that they have moved way off course.
People move off course due to vision shifts. They move way off course because their vision shifts happened a long time ago and nobody ever evaluated them (or helped them learn how to evaluate themselves). A one degree shift in direction is not a big deal if I am correcting it every five feet or so. If I am only correcting it every five miles then it becomes a much larger issue. How many times have we seen marriages torn apart by seemingly minor things? How many times have partnerships and relationships ended and the people on the outside are left wondering, “How could that small thing have done this?” It is because small vision shifts left unevaluated over time lead to large separation.
In the church world this has often occurred because the vision of the church is not clearly expressed or evaluated. As a result people are left to create their own vision of what the church is and what it is about. So, you have parents with small children who love the children’s ministry and tell their friends, “Our church is all about kids!”. The parents with youth will say the church is all about youth. Those in the crisis food ministry will say that the church is all about helping the hungry in the community. The worship team believes the church is all about the Sunday worship experience. In fact the church is most likely deeply committed to all of these things, but is not about any of them. What has happened is that people have shifted off of vision and onto programs or strategies. The danger is often not seen until the vision requires that programs and strategies change. Then you face the inevitable conflict that arises when people complain that the church just does not have the same vision that it used to.
This leads to our last, and most uncomfortable, step towards avoiding conflict, Early Confrontation, which we will look at next time.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Avoiding the Conflict Cycle
This blog is a direct result of a question asked via Twitter by Tom Harper. Yes, after much denouncing of the tool/media I have joined the world of the twitterers (tweeters perhaps?). And, I find myself having virtual conversations with people that I otherwise never would have spoken with (or heard from), so I have to say that I have been pleasantly surprised to this point.
The original question that I am answering had to do with why so many people seem to live in a continual state of conflict... and make no move to change it. I am defining conflict as an argument that is generally fueled by emotion rather than reason and that attacks a person instead of an attitude or a behavior. I believe it is a cycle that we get ourselves into when we do not operate on a model of Clear Expectation, Regular Evaluation, and Early Confrontation. I will go ahead and make this a three part series and begin today discussing Clear Expectations.
Clear Expectations are something that first became real to me shortly after I was married. It did not take me or my wife long to realize that we had some very unrealistic expectations about what it would be like to be married. We were one of those couples whose first night together was our wedding night. I soon realized that my expectation of going to sleep with my beautiful wife in my arms was quite unrealistic... I need my space when I sleep (and so does she as it turns out). So, order the King size bed and make sure there is plenty of room.
I wish that we had so easily discovered all of the other hidden expectations that we carried into our marriage. Expectations about things like how much money we would be making by year 5, how it would be spent, who would make those decisions and how, what kind of house we would be living in, what kind of house we would be aiming for, what type of job(s?) we would have and what types of jobs we would be aiming for. Those things (and many others) were constantly in our own minds, and rarely in our conversations. Until, that is, one of us saw the other living in such a way that went against our expectations.
Now when we do pre-marital counseling (or just talk to young married couples) we constantly talk to them about expectations. We spend some time on making sure they are realistic, but much more time making sure they are shared. The fact is you can even deal with impossible expectations if they are shared expectations. The expectations that lead to heartache are the ones that stay hidden and undiscussed until the explosion comes.
I have learned this lesson again raising my (now 4 year old) son. In the early days we would simply say something like, "Jared let's go we need to go to the store". That left Jared free to decide how we would go, when we would go, and in what way we would go. Sometimes he thought that going in the car, now, directly to the store was good... and everything went great. Other times he thought we should first visit the rock pile, run around the front yard a few times, and then dig through tools in the garage. You see in his mind part of "going to the store" involved going outside (where the car lives), and his expectation of going outside was much different than mine. I learned that it was much easier on us both if I would say things like, "Jared, now we are going to go outside, get in the car, get in our car seat, and drive to the store."
Amazingly enough I have found that employees often like that same level of courtesy in a work relationship. Instead of giving vague (or no) job descriptions and living under the assumption that we both know what is expected, it is often better to be overly specific and clear up front about what both sides expect to give and receive from the partnership/relationship at the beginning. The first few weeks of a working relationship often set the tone for the next few years, so it is important to be clear about expectations (from both sides) from the start. This is a continual thing as well, something that happens every week in staff meeting. When an idea gets presented and accepted we quickly define expectations by asking who owns the idea, what their next step(s) is, who will need to help them, and when it will be accomplished.
Setting Clear Expectations is the first step to avoiding Conflict. But, expectations are often powerless without Regular Evaluation, which we will discuss next time.
The original question that I am answering had to do with why so many people seem to live in a continual state of conflict... and make no move to change it. I am defining conflict as an argument that is generally fueled by emotion rather than reason and that attacks a person instead of an attitude or a behavior. I believe it is a cycle that we get ourselves into when we do not operate on a model of Clear Expectation, Regular Evaluation, and Early Confrontation. I will go ahead and make this a three part series and begin today discussing Clear Expectations.
Clear Expectations are something that first became real to me shortly after I was married. It did not take me or my wife long to realize that we had some very unrealistic expectations about what it would be like to be married. We were one of those couples whose first night together was our wedding night. I soon realized that my expectation of going to sleep with my beautiful wife in my arms was quite unrealistic... I need my space when I sleep (and so does she as it turns out). So, order the King size bed and make sure there is plenty of room.
I wish that we had so easily discovered all of the other hidden expectations that we carried into our marriage. Expectations about things like how much money we would be making by year 5, how it would be spent, who would make those decisions and how, what kind of house we would be living in, what kind of house we would be aiming for, what type of job(s?) we would have and what types of jobs we would be aiming for. Those things (and many others) were constantly in our own minds, and rarely in our conversations. Until, that is, one of us saw the other living in such a way that went against our expectations.
Now when we do pre-marital counseling (or just talk to young married couples) we constantly talk to them about expectations. We spend some time on making sure they are realistic, but much more time making sure they are shared. The fact is you can even deal with impossible expectations if they are shared expectations. The expectations that lead to heartache are the ones that stay hidden and undiscussed until the explosion comes.
I have learned this lesson again raising my (now 4 year old) son. In the early days we would simply say something like, "Jared let's go we need to go to the store". That left Jared free to decide how we would go, when we would go, and in what way we would go. Sometimes he thought that going in the car, now, directly to the store was good... and everything went great. Other times he thought we should first visit the rock pile, run around the front yard a few times, and then dig through tools in the garage. You see in his mind part of "going to the store" involved going outside (where the car lives), and his expectation of going outside was much different than mine. I learned that it was much easier on us both if I would say things like, "Jared, now we are going to go outside, get in the car, get in our car seat, and drive to the store."
Amazingly enough I have found that employees often like that same level of courtesy in a work relationship. Instead of giving vague (or no) job descriptions and living under the assumption that we both know what is expected, it is often better to be overly specific and clear up front about what both sides expect to give and receive from the partnership/relationship at the beginning. The first few weeks of a working relationship often set the tone for the next few years, so it is important to be clear about expectations (from both sides) from the start. This is a continual thing as well, something that happens every week in staff meeting. When an idea gets presented and accepted we quickly define expectations by asking who owns the idea, what their next step(s) is, who will need to help them, and when it will be accomplished.
Setting Clear Expectations is the first step to avoiding Conflict. But, expectations are often powerless without Regular Evaluation, which we will discuss next time.
Friday, May 22, 2009
A City Full of Hurts
This post was inspired by a conversation between Steven Furtick and Dino Rizzo. The statement that got my attention regarded making the hurts of his community become the hurts of his congregation. In many of the books and blogs I have been reading the authors speak of a growing disconnect between congregation and community. I think this issue of shared felt needs is central to that disconnect.
The question that arises is, "What are the felt needs in my community?" I cannot just read the latest servant evangelism book, pick three projects I like, and think that I will connect with my community. It takes a little more effort than that... though not much more. Amazingly enough when you ask people, "Is there anything I can pray for you about?" they will often tell you.
In fact, I fully expect that if a local congregation got serious about discovering the felt needs in their community they would seen be overwhelmed at the sheer number of needs revealed. That is what happened when my church started looking at what our community needs. We soon realized that the need was bigger than us. I am convinced that this is God's plan, because it drove us to pray that He would raise up His Church in our city. We began to pray that God would bless other churches in our area and in our city; that He would call more laborers into the harvest and that He will unite us and help our local body become a working part of His Body in our city.
Then a City full of Hurts can finally meet a God full of Healing.
The question that arises is, "What are the felt needs in my community?" I cannot just read the latest servant evangelism book, pick three projects I like, and think that I will connect with my community. It takes a little more effort than that... though not much more. Amazingly enough when you ask people, "Is there anything I can pray for you about?" they will often tell you.
In fact, I fully expect that if a local congregation got serious about discovering the felt needs in their community they would seen be overwhelmed at the sheer number of needs revealed. That is what happened when my church started looking at what our community needs. We soon realized that the need was bigger than us. I am convinced that this is God's plan, because it drove us to pray that He would raise up His Church in our city. We began to pray that God would bless other churches in our area and in our city; that He would call more laborers into the harvest and that He will unite us and help our local body become a working part of His Body in our city.
Then a City full of Hurts can finally meet a God full of Healing.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Big Announcement, Little Break
Leslie and I recently announced to our church body that God is calling us to a new work. It is a big announcement that will likely be moving us to a new state and will definitely be changing the way we do ministry. The shortest description is "Church Consulting". My desire is to help churches find and fulfill the purpose that God has planned for them within their community. I believe every church was designed to answer a specific question within their community, and in doing so we become relevant. Everyone wants to be relevant these days, and it is really not that hard, you just have to answer a question that people are asking.
I have seen that come to pass here at North Point these last 12 months, and now I believe God wants to use me to help other churches experience the same thing. If you would like to hear more about this, I am sure I will be blogging on it over the next few months. We will still be at NP until May 31, 2009. After that the location is still in God's hands, so please be praying for us.
If you would like to listen to the first part of the message series I preached on this, check it out at www.northpointonline.org.
PS - Please also pray as we put our house on the market that everything connected to that will go well. And, we are also trying to find a home for our incredibly cute dog!
I have seen that come to pass here at North Point these last 12 months, and now I believe God wants to use me to help other churches experience the same thing. If you would like to hear more about this, I am sure I will be blogging on it over the next few months. We will still be at NP until May 31, 2009. After that the location is still in God's hands, so please be praying for us.
If you would like to listen to the first part of the message series I preached on this, check it out at www.northpointonline.org.
PS - Please also pray as we put our house on the market that everything connected to that will go well. And, we are also trying to find a home for our incredibly cute dog!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
What bothers me
Looking at my blog and seeing that it has been over a week since I had anything to say... and not feeling like I have anything worthwhile to say again, that bothers me :). To be honest it is more that I have so many things going through my head and none of them are really coalesced yet to the point where I feel like I can express them in a way that will be helpful. A few people have had the chance to listen to my brain-talk, you know the way that you talk to yourself before you actually make sense to other people. If you understood that last sentence then perhaps you can understand some of my brain-talk.
Right now my brain is talking about future, vision, risk, obedience, and a number of other cool topics, so many that some evenings I find it hard to rest.
I recently had the opportunity to go through a "coaching session". This is a rather new concept to me, as coaching is not about giving people answers so much as helping them discover answers on their own. So, this person just kept asking me questions and waiting for me to answer them. I have to say that even in the 10-minute sample session that I had it was incredibly helpful. It was so helpful, in fact, that I am going to do it again on a regular basis. I would recommend it for all of the others out there who have a lot of ideas bouncing around in your brain that need a little nudge to coalesce and come out as plans and projects.
Right now my brain is talking about future, vision, risk, obedience, and a number of other cool topics, so many that some evenings I find it hard to rest.
I recently had the opportunity to go through a "coaching session". This is a rather new concept to me, as coaching is not about giving people answers so much as helping them discover answers on their own. So, this person just kept asking me questions and waiting for me to answer them. I have to say that even in the 10-minute sample session that I had it was incredibly helpful. It was so helpful, in fact, that I am going to do it again on a regular basis. I would recommend it for all of the others out there who have a lot of ideas bouncing around in your brain that need a little nudge to coalesce and come out as plans and projects.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The 5 Part Principle
I am a Big Picture guy who is scared of Big Pictures. If you are like me then you will understand, if you are not then let me explain. I love to dream about the future and the things that could and should be. I have a rather large view of God and what kinds of things fall in the realm of "possible" with Him. So, it is not unusual for me to have dreams that cover things like "What it would take to end world hunger" or "What it would look like to completely restructure the American church." These are what I call "Big Pictures".
The thing is, it is not uncommon for me to spend time thinking about these things and then start getting scared, anxious, and overwhelmed. It is as if I am a painter who gets scared looking at his own paintings. That is a good thing, because it helps me to rely upon God. It is also a bad thing because when I freeze when I allow fear into my life. You have all heard the line that, "A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step." That sounds nice, and helps little. A more meaningful phrase would be, "This 1,000 mile journey begins with that particular step." It is not the last 999 miles that stop most people; it is the first step. They see the goal and have no idea where to get started, how to get started, or who to talk to about getting started.
That is where the 5 Part Principle comes from in my life. It helps me take a Big Picture and break it down, like a Mosaic if you will. It is a simple process that you can do for almost anything in life; so simple that to many of you it will likely seem common sense.
You start by identifying with as much clarity as you can your Big Picture. Let us set an example of "I want to graduate from the University of Texas business school with honors." That gives me a good sense of what, where, and how. My first step is to break that down into 5 parts. These parts don't have to be equal in size or scope, it just has to be FIVE parts. So, for our example it might be:
1. Apply to UT
2. Get accepted
3. Get into the business program
4. Make good grades
5. Graduate
Four out of my 5 parts will happen in about 3 months total time. The other part (make good grades) will actually take 4 years. That is OK, the point is to start breaking the Big Picture up and giving us some practical steps to look at. After your initial 5 is done you start taking each step and breaking it into five. For example, taking "Apply to UT":
1. Research application deadlines and requirements.
2. Get an application.
3. Fill it out (remember the fee!)
4. Write the essay.
5. Mail or deliver it to the school.
You can keep doing this process of breaking a Step into 5 parts as many times as you want. My rule of thumb is; if it takes you longer to break down the step than it would take you to DO the step... you should stop breaking down steps.
At some point you will find that a Step can only be broken down 2 or 3 times; that is OK. When you get to the end of the process you will have anywhere from 5 to 50 to 500 steps. And, all of a sudden your Big Picture is not so big. And, if you make your steps chronological (I started with apply, ended with graduate), then you have actually created for yourself a nice little map.
I find that dreams and visions are not so scary once I put them on paper. And, when I take a little time to define what the "first step" actually looks like I am much more likely to actually do it.
So, what is your Big Picture dream? Has God laid something on your heart for your life, your family, or His Kingdom? Why not take some time this week to start your own 5 Part Principle and see where it leads?
The thing is, it is not uncommon for me to spend time thinking about these things and then start getting scared, anxious, and overwhelmed. It is as if I am a painter who gets scared looking at his own paintings. That is a good thing, because it helps me to rely upon God. It is also a bad thing because when I freeze when I allow fear into my life. You have all heard the line that, "A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step." That sounds nice, and helps little. A more meaningful phrase would be, "This 1,000 mile journey begins with that particular step." It is not the last 999 miles that stop most people; it is the first step. They see the goal and have no idea where to get started, how to get started, or who to talk to about getting started.
That is where the 5 Part Principle comes from in my life. It helps me take a Big Picture and break it down, like a Mosaic if you will. It is a simple process that you can do for almost anything in life; so simple that to many of you it will likely seem common sense.
You start by identifying with as much clarity as you can your Big Picture. Let us set an example of "I want to graduate from the University of Texas business school with honors." That gives me a good sense of what, where, and how. My first step is to break that down into 5 parts. These parts don't have to be equal in size or scope, it just has to be FIVE parts. So, for our example it might be:
1. Apply to UT
2. Get accepted
3. Get into the business program
4. Make good grades
5. Graduate
Four out of my 5 parts will happen in about 3 months total time. The other part (make good grades) will actually take 4 years. That is OK, the point is to start breaking the Big Picture up and giving us some practical steps to look at. After your initial 5 is done you start taking each step and breaking it into five. For example, taking "Apply to UT":
1. Research application deadlines and requirements.
2. Get an application.
3. Fill it out (remember the fee!)
4. Write the essay.
5. Mail or deliver it to the school.
You can keep doing this process of breaking a Step into 5 parts as many times as you want. My rule of thumb is; if it takes you longer to break down the step than it would take you to DO the step... you should stop breaking down steps.
At some point you will find that a Step can only be broken down 2 or 3 times; that is OK. When you get to the end of the process you will have anywhere from 5 to 50 to 500 steps. And, all of a sudden your Big Picture is not so big. And, if you make your steps chronological (I started with apply, ended with graduate), then you have actually created for yourself a nice little map.
I find that dreams and visions are not so scary once I put them on paper. And, when I take a little time to define what the "first step" actually looks like I am much more likely to actually do it.
So, what is your Big Picture dream? Has God laid something on your heart for your life, your family, or His Kingdom? Why not take some time this week to start your own 5 Part Principle and see where it leads?
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Flashy People Don't Connect
This post was inspired by a recent MasterCard commercial in which Peyton Manning only hears the best even as people are trying to say hurtful things. For example, when a room service man tells him, "Don't choke on that" he responds, "Thanks, I think I will just cut it up, maybe make a fruit salad!" Or the woman who tells him, "Hey Manning, take a hike!" to which he responds, "You know, that's a good idea, I think I will go for a hike today... this weather is great!" It was classic Manning; self-deprecating and humorous.
As I sat there I realized that he probably got paid many, many dollars to make those commercials. MasterCard had many, many choices of celebrities they could have chosen, and they chose Peyton Manning. They did not choose him because he is flashy, because flashy people don't connect. Flashy people may catch your eye, they may even help you move some product, but if your goal is to connect on a personal level with people... flashy people just don't do that very well. We may love to look at them, but for many reasons we never feel truly connected to them.
There is this flawed belief that it will be the flashy Christians that change the world. That is just not true. The flashy Christians will play their part, and it is an important part because they help communicate a message to many. It will be the ordinary Christians, however, that win the day. Because, at the end of the day Christianity is about relationships, and relationships require connection. As important as his ministry is, Billy Graham did not change many lives. He touched millions of them... and then God took that touch and connected those people to ordinary, every day Christians. That is where the process of life change really happened in those lives. And, for every one Billy Graham there must be millions of us ordinary people to carry out our special calling.
Look at any successful ministry that has maintained a large impact and you will find thousands of ordinary people at the heart of that success. Of course, I may have it all backwards, and what I call flashy God may call ordinary. It could just be that the truly extraordinary among us are those who make the 1 on 1 connections that help change lives.
As I sat there I realized that he probably got paid many, many dollars to make those commercials. MasterCard had many, many choices of celebrities they could have chosen, and they chose Peyton Manning. They did not choose him because he is flashy, because flashy people don't connect. Flashy people may catch your eye, they may even help you move some product, but if your goal is to connect on a personal level with people... flashy people just don't do that very well. We may love to look at them, but for many reasons we never feel truly connected to them.
There is this flawed belief that it will be the flashy Christians that change the world. That is just not true. The flashy Christians will play their part, and it is an important part because they help communicate a message to many. It will be the ordinary Christians, however, that win the day. Because, at the end of the day Christianity is about relationships, and relationships require connection. As important as his ministry is, Billy Graham did not change many lives. He touched millions of them... and then God took that touch and connected those people to ordinary, every day Christians. That is where the process of life change really happened in those lives. And, for every one Billy Graham there must be millions of us ordinary people to carry out our special calling.
Look at any successful ministry that has maintained a large impact and you will find thousands of ordinary people at the heart of that success. Of course, I may have it all backwards, and what I call flashy God may call ordinary. It could just be that the truly extraordinary among us are those who make the 1 on 1 connections that help change lives.
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