Even as I write that sentence it seems rather depressing. At the same time it also reveals something in my heart that I believe God is attempting to remove... this need to achieve. More specifically He is attempting to remove the value I derive from my achievements. It is not that I believe God is calling me to a life of half-effort that never materializes. It is that He wants to make sure that my sense of self and success is not tied to those efforts or the things they produce.
So, in the last two weeks I have met with some churches about the possibility of coming on staff, been invited to join the leadership team on the church planter network in town, dropped off a non-profit business plan to a few key people around the country, and met several new pastors/pastoral teams that are doing ministry in the city/for the city. I had a blog picked up by Christianity Today and God dropped a huge financial gift on Leslie and I through some friends here in town and back East.
I would be a total brat if I did anything but respond with a heart of gratefulness and thanksgiving both to God and those He is using to minister to us. And yet I still fight the feeling that my life is actually counting for anything at the moment. It is at the same time incredibly frustrating and fulfilling. Frustrating because all of the usual things I point to in order to convince myself that my life matters just are not there. Fulfilling because I don't know if I can really explain the feeling of seeing God come through just in time again, and again, and again.
We often talk about "growing" to become "more like Christ". In business people talk about growth and process too. I think it is all a bunch of hogwash. Nobody likes to grow and people hate process. In reality we all want to get there. We want to arrive, not be stuck on the journey forever. I don't want to become more like Christ... I want to be a good Christian. I don't want to keep becoming a better leader... I want to learn that one trick that will make me a good leader.
My life is currently one long, drawn out process, and I am learning that it is in the process of life that transformation occurs. I have also made a rather startling discovery. It could very well be that God never wants me to leave the process. Certainly the specifics may change, but I have a very strong belief that He will not be content to let me arrive until I actually DO arrive in Heaven.
More on this as I work through it. If you are one of those people that like to read the messiness of the process let me know and I will do my best to keep track of it. I give fair warning though that the life Leslie and I are currently leading is rather messy, and the road is often winding... so don't blame me if what I say one day gets contradicted the next :).
2 comments:
Not really in to random advertisers making comments on the ole blog. Hoping I don't have to go to completely moderated comments, but perhaps I will. (this is in reference to the comment I deleted from Sportsguy).
Post a Comment